Sometimes when I am out in the world, I feel a compulsion to go home immediately.
I literally feel drawn, as if by a magnet, back to the safety of home.
I have lived with this sensation for many years now, since 2001. I blogged about it last year when I wrote about depression.
I am still unraveling what is contained in this dynamic within.
On the one hand, I love life, being alive. I crave connection. I love people. I love humanity.
I am an actress. Human behavior endlessly fascinates me. What makes people take actions. What drives us all to stay alive on this spinning blue ball. That we choose every day to love and aspire to things.
And yet. There are times when I am filled with a mix of emotions and sensations that compel me to get home as soon as I can. Fear, anxiety, panic.
I never thought if it before, but is this a version of a panic attack? I have no idea, no way to guage that. I hear people talk about panic attacks. I know people who suffer from them.
How do you label an internal experience like what I experience? I guess if there are enough people experiencing similar symptoms, someone names it and it becomes a way to discuss, diagnose.
I have brought it to conventional therapy. Past life regression work. Rebirthing. Shamanic healing work.
I’ve learned cognitive behaviors to manage it. All have been helpful in one way or another.
But I still don’t have a concrete understanding of why it happens to me. Is it genetically encoded in my DNA? Did my people learn to survive by keeping close to home?
In a past life, was I some tribal member who died traumatically when being away from the others and my soul just cannot let it go?
I know for some years, I withdrew from being in the flow of life because I did not know how to cope. I had to learn how to be in the world again. I had to mature emotionally, with help. That has been an amazing process.
But that period of time is many years past. I have never felt more healed, more whole, more integrated than I do now. I am in awe of the healing I have done, of where I am today. I have a truly gifted life, filled with love, connection, abundance, and creativity.
And yet. The magnet pull comes upon me still.
I believe my body has more to show me. There are answers coming from within, but on my body’s own time. Not my ego’s.
And so I bear patient, loving witness as it happens, listening for clues even as I experience the pull when it hits me. I have finally stopped adding to the pain of it all by beating myself up for its mere existence. Or trying to bully myself into being able to “just bypass it already.”
When I have that pull to go home, I choose to see it with the eyes of a loving parent. I take my own hand and ask myself if it can wait until I finish my day. I promise to give that part of me full attention when safe at home, later.
And I follow thru on that promise. That is crucial. I need that part to begin to trust me, to trust that I can handle whatever may go down out in the world.
I feel that trust growing inside. It is a deeply important feeling.
And I welcome this.
I am building a new home within. And when completed, I will be there, wherever I go, wherever I am in the world.
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