Unresectable

I don’t need a mnemonic device to remember you

You’re literally etched into the stone of my being

I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried

And believe me, I have, with all my might

Tried. To. Forget. You.

No priest could exorcise you from my soul

Nor surgeon excise you from my spirit

We are inextricably linked, now, forever

I have learned to grow around you

Like a tree around a stone.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: mnemonic

Over the Rainbow is Here

Today I bid thee farewell, my special unhappiness

You have been a steady companion lo these many years

You have held my hand and held me back

Kept me safe, yes, but also kept me on the outside

Looking in at my own life

I thought you were a force beyond my grasp

I thought you were put inside me

That I was a host and you had taken root

Turns out that like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz

I have had the key all along

All it takes is this: my decision to let you go

I am sovereign over my own self

And I no longer want  you here, in the driver’s seat

So farewell, my old friend

I am sure you will raise your voice now and then

But I choose to no longer recognize your power

So you may wish to find a new dwelling

My heart is full of other things now

There is no space for you here

Inspired By The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: finally

Wasteland

What you did to me

The position you put me in

Contaminated my insides

Deposited sludge in my veins

Dark, thick and foul

Could not be contained

A pollutant infesting my waters

Every time I think I’m clean

I feel the slime come again

It catches in the corners

The nooks and crannies of me

And heaviness sets into my bones

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: sludge

Lost and Found

That black night

That night he came into her room

A part of her soul flew out the window

And left a hollow space inside her

A forever-empty place

A place as dark as the night

A hole that held shock and horror

In place of her innocent, free-flowing love

There can be no recompense

Nothing can ever make up for that loss

Even calling that piece back to her

Reuniting with her crucial center space

Cannot change the moments, the hours, the days, the years

Of being without her essential self

Yes, there is healing

Yes, there is repair

But the shape of the heart is forever changed

On a good day, she feels she is stronger for it all

On a bad, she wishes she’d gotten the chance to find out

Who she’d have become without his interference

That black night

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: black

Ownership

No longer have to trademark my grief

Don’t need the world to see where I was broke

I’ve given myself full attention and love

All I’d held dormant is now woke

 

I’ve befriended it all, found a place in my heart

For what used to have me in tatters

Don’t need you to see it to make it all real

It’s mine now, and that’s all that matters

 

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: trademark

Me Too

It is my intent to remain loyal to my purpose in writing this blog. My intent is to be living out on the skinny branches, which is not always comfortable, often downright scary. It means risking writing about what I care about, even if it may be controversial to others.

In support of my fellow humans today, I wish to share the words of my friend, Olivia Petzy. Olivia is an actress, a writer, host, an improvisor…and she’s one of the biggest-hearted, sharpest and funniest people I know. There are a zillion reasons why I would want to share her with you. But today, it is about something serious.

Olivia shared this on Facebook in response to all of the postings of the “Me Too” movement. The “Me Too” movement, in case you are not on Facebook, is a movement that was started by Alyssa Milano to give people a sense of how many people are affected and have been affected by sexual harassment and assault. It seems to have originally read like this:

“Suggested by a friend: ‘If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.'”

It caught on, and women began to copy and paste and post.

I wanted to share what Olivia wrote because it goes deeper and asks questions that we need to be asking. I wish to share it because I think that unless questions like these and others are asked and discussed, nothing will really ever change.

It is uncomfortable to ask these questions. But change is uncomfortable by its very nature.

Olivia wrote:

I stand in solidarity with every woman and person writing “me too.” I hear you and I believe you and it was not your fault and you did not deserve it. I have also failed you in many ways by not speaking up for you or reaching out to you. I am sorry, fellow suffering human beings. I am aware and I am doing the work.

I need to ask: Why must we out ourselves and relive trauma and pain to help you understand? Why must we cut small pieces of our hearts out and toss them to you as a sacrifice in the hopes that you’ll jump on it and tear into it and somehow taste our fear and our grief and our anger? Why must we come out in droves in the hopes of reaching some (apparently) impossibly high number that will spur you to believe us once and for all and take action? Why must we give of ourselves over and over and over?

Are you seriously saying you didn’t know? We’ve told you. We’ve told you with our words and our body language and our actions and our fading away into the background and our quietness and in a million other ways detectable to those giving a damn and paying attention.

Why aren’t YOU writing “Me, too”? As in “I, too, have been complicit in the pain, suffering and abuse of women and non-binary people through either my own despicable words/actions which I deeply regret, recognize and am actively working to change or through my cowardly inaction as I am a beneficiary of our patriarchal society and have not spoken up even when I knew something was wrong or through a combination of the two.”

Must we do EVERYTHING for you?

Oh, and of course, because you already knew it, because I’m a woman, because I live in the world, because I go out in public, because I’m a woman, because I exist: me fucking too.

I am grateful to Olivia for voicing these things, and grateful to you for reading them here.

My heart is hurting because it still seems such an epic task to bring real, lasting attention to this real problem in our society, and yet I know to anyone who is a “Me too,” this is a huge thing that alters one’s life forever in a myriad of ways.

That that disconnect still thrives in our society terrifies me. It seems insane to me that this has to be spelled out again and again.

Will this ever be understood on the scale in which it exists for the “victims?” What will it take?

#MeToo

P.S. On Facebook, some men also began to post their “Me too’s,” so some amended the language to include men.

Today, a dear friend (who is transitioning) altered it to read: “If all the HUMAN BEINGS OF ANY GENDER who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote “Me too.” as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem. Please copy/paste.”

I love that. I changed my copied/pasted post to read like his. Because of course, I posted “Me too” too.

Some women may feel that including other genders takes away something. I think it is both a male/female problem and also a person-to-person problem, so I say let’s get it all out there and see how prevalent both are.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: loyal

Attempted Fraud

I wonder if there has ever been a successful fraud. I guess we’d never know, because if it is known, it was found out.

I mean, I know some scammers get away with identity theft – the internet has made it all too possible to succeed at that kind of fraud.

But the bigger, individual, public frauds. The kind that fools a nation.

It amazes me that people always think that somehow they will be the one person in history to get away with whatever it is. Despite the plethora of evidence to the contrary – people continually being caught – they decide to do it anyway.

It’s like there’s some blank spot in these people. They are not going to be found out.

Perhaps it is pure hubris.

All I know is that I have too healthy a dose of the reality of consequences to go that route. Or maybe I just don’t feel that lucky.

That’s not to say I am not a fraud.

I am fraudulent in presenting myself as if I know what I am doing on a daily basis. I appear to be a fairly sane, fairly successful, fairly confident person.

Not at all how I feel on the inside most of the time.

So in the spirit of coming clean, to not go down that path that always leads to the revelation of the lie, I hereby admit that I feel like I have no idea what am doing much of the time, feel pretty crazy often and am terrified on a daily basis and usually insecure.

There, now you know.

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: fraud