“In theory, I have a wonderful life,” she said to no one in particular, pulling the bedcover back over her head, unable to face yet another day.
I lay, spent, numb
My pain suspended in the discomfort
The known sedation of having gorged
More appealing than tolerating my escalating feelings
Too-full-ness better than emptiness
Physically weakening myself somehow feels like power
For an all-too-brief moment
I am calm, the fear and dread are quiet
And being alive in this body feels almost OK
Until it doesn’t, again
Today, walking along the street in the rain:
God, I love this life. It’s amazing being alive.
Two minutes later:
My life sucks. Why am I so miserable?
I felt excited to go out into the world.
Then I dreaded leaving my house.
I gave myself a stern lecture.
Then I sweet talked myself into getting ready.
Then I dreaded like holy hell leaving my house.
So I shoved myself out into the world.
Then I wanted to go home so badly.
Then I was glad to be out in the world.
Then I couldn’t wait to get home again.
I finally got home.
And I felt like I had missed something important.
Still looking for the panacea
To take away the demons
To quiet the fear inside
Some say try God: I have
Tried booze, drugs, sex and more
And still I am left with me
If you try to drown out the screams
They only get stronger
I dream, I daren’t
I fall into despair
Succumb to the weight
Of a thousand “No’s”
I dream, I don’t
I sink into the known
Sign the agreement
Of “Not for me”
I wake, I rise
I say “No thanks”
Rise and move ahead
Towards my dream
A mist cloaked the green in a shroud of grey
I could no more discern the sky
No longer was I able to laugh or play
All my heart could do was contract, and cry
Then the mist lifted and my shrunk soul awoke
The whole of my heart took wing
I found myself in a new world, bespoke
Wholly alive, alight, at once I began to sing