Sometimes, life is too hard.
I mean it. Sometimes, I just have to give up.
Not permanently. Not in a dangerous or devastating way.
But yes, I am saying that sometimes you just have to say, “Enough.”
Do not get me wrong. I am all for positivity.
If it were not for having learned to watch my thoughts and understand that I am not my thoughts or feelings, I would surely be dead today. My thoughts have a tendency to the dark side. The side that urges me to death. The side that has had enough of pain and sorrow and wishes for me a return to the void as soon as possible.
I have come to respect and have compassion for that dark side tendency of my mind. It is, its own way, trying to help me survive. But I have put it in the back seat of my psyche as a passenger on this ride through life. I do not let it drive. It would drive me off a steep cliff, like that last scene in “Thelma and Louise.” I observe it. I am not it.
Back to positivity. I thoroughly believe, after much personal experimentation, that there is, indeed, a tremendous power in our thoughts. Choosing life on a daily basis and choosing how to respond to life and the thoughts and feelings that arise as a result of living moment to moment are a crucial key to my having a fulfilling existence with some degree of serenity.
I have learned I can direct my thoughts. I can see when they are in a groove, an old, habitual, familiar song. I can pick up the needle off the record (remember those?) and set it on a new groove. I can literally rewire my brain over time with consistency and commitment.
I believe in and have benefited from the power of mantras and affirmations.
These are all tools I use to co-create a rich and full life each day.
Yet.
I also believe, after many failed attempts to do otherwise, that there is a value and a necessity to having times where I can throw my hands up, literally and figuratively, and say to the Universe, to God, and, perhaps most importantly, to my Higher Self and all of my selves: “I give up!”
Somehow, for me, exercising my ability to say “Enough, I cannot go on another inch, I am done, that’s it!” has been very important.
Some part of my spirit, deep down inside, perhaps very young, very formerly traumatized, needs me to heed her desire to say, “No more.”
I tried to push away her voice for many, many years. First, I drowned it in food and alcohol. Later, I drowned it in positivity and recovery. Finally, I stopped and listened. Really acknowledged and listened.
I had to truly stop snd listen. Once I could hear her voice, it was very easy to find compassion for her pain and her suffering.
She did not trust me at first. Understandably, she had no reason to believe that I had any interest in her needs whatsoever. I get it. I’d neglected her for so long. Denied her existence, or worse, judged and bullied her. At first, I didn’t trust myself to be able to help her, make her feel safe.
But I made a commitment to her to always be there for her. To listen and help her. To make her the priority over anything else, as a matter of fact.
To parent her. And as a parent, I do not let her run the show. She is too young. Too raw. Too wounded. But I do honor her needs. I take them seriously. I give her attention, affection, acceptance. I give her my love.
And when she says “Enough,” we stop.
Not forever. Not in a dangerous or permanent way.
But we stop. I stop.
I unplug from the striving. The adult-ing. The New York City drive-ing.
I go on strike. I take a pause. I withdraw from the world.
I take a beat. I let her relax as fully as she can. I hold her hand and say, “I know. It is hard. I hear you are weary.”
And then, when she has had my attention and has been given a rest, when we both feel that it is time, I get back into my life and the world again.
She snuggles back into my heart, and lets me enter fully into the moments of my life.
And so I enter back into my life again. Awake. Ready to strive. To pursue. To stretch and grow.
Whole.
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