Rehabilitation

Gonna rebuild this heart of mine

Strip it down to the studs

Clear out the old debris

Old timber and waste I no longer need

I’ll live with it bare for awhile

Get a feel for its original structure

And listen for what new wants to be built

Find out where to put the walls

And where to leave open space

I’ll paint with bright colors

And decorate each chamber how I feel it

And when the renovation is complete

I’ll invite all my soul parts and my lost little girls

To choose a room and m make themselves at home

Inspired by The Daily Post Word Prompt: rebuild

Morning Glories

As I wrote the other day, I am currently in a five week-long physical theatre intensive, including clown and commedia.

One week in, and I am joyfully astonished (and exhausted.) My face and sides ache from laughing. My mind has been blown repeatedly by the beauty of the other souls that daily become more and more alive as the class progresses. My heart has expanded and feels raw and tender and open in new ways. Many tears have fallen, from joy and wonder, from deep wells of sadness that come as old rusty parts of my soul are freed from their societal binds.

You see, clown is about exploring the four year-old inside. The little one you were before socialization caused you to “grow up” and be serious.

Before the body forgets to play and becomes blocked by The Block of Cool (as in, gotta be cool, man — gotta suppress this or that to be one of the cool kids.) The Block of Nice (Gotta be a good girl/boy if you want anyone to like you.) The Block of Polite (Gotta be polite to fit in and be a part of society.) The Block of Being Appropriate (Gotta do what everyone else is doing no matter what or you’ll stand out and the bullies will see you or you will be humiliated.)

So as we’ve been playing this week, we’ve been getting up underneath our adult skin suits and back into the wonder, the joy, the big, messy fun of acting with enthusiasm, leading with our hope, and the desire to have fun and make others laugh with us, at us.

It is an honor – a gift – to see someone’s unadulterated humanness. To really see who each person is underneath all the tricks we’ve learned to protect ourselves.

I am blown away by the exquisite beauty and brilliance of each person in the class.

Down the street, one of the buildings has some flowers blooming on part of it’s front wall. There’s a beautiful cascade of what looks like lilac that I was drawn to the first day during lunch break. What I did not notice then is that alongside the lilac are morning glories. (They were not blooming that first day.)

But the second day of class, I walked by the storefront again, and there they were, in all their, well, glory!

I was floored and just stopped and stared in wonder.

Then the next day, they were gone! (Upon closer inspection, they were there, but had withdrawn back into their tightly wrapped buds.)

The next day, half were out again, the others were in different states of the bloom process.

The flowers’ journey seems to mirror our class. We are all at our own different states of “bloom” in our work of rediscovering our unsocialized selves. We all have started the class in different places, and we will end in different places. But along the way, we are all blooming at different times. And sometimes, we are each beginning to show ourselves out in full bloom. It is astonishing to witness.

I cannot wait to see what will bloom next week.

6F6WTxRBRmi9aEOdGcOOWg

Soulmate

I’ve been looking for you forever

My sister, my twin

The parts of me who flew away

From the pain that was inescapable

Unendurable

You left

And I went numb

With shock, to survive

And then I forgot

You’d ever existed

And just felt emptiness

Where your life had once filled my heart

I cobbled a self out of what of me remained

And tried to find my way

But when you are missing key parts of your soul

Life always feels like it has not quite begun

So I’ve lived a half life

I’ve been like a ghost

While my real self was in limbo somewhere

And now here I am

Calling all of me back

My doppelgänger come home to roost

I feel my heart fill

I recognize what is at the same time foreign

Like meeting a twin separated at birth

Who I am now makes sense

No more searching the ends of the earth

Inspired by The Daily Prompt Daily Word: doppelgänger

(Thanks to you)

I have been operating under the following assumptions:

That I am plain, average and dull

That I am unmemorable, forgettable

That to surrender to pleasure is a death sentence

That love becomes humiliation overnight

That vulnerability ends in shame

But I am finally reframing these beliefs

I am choosing to find new truths:

I am lovely, unique and vibrant

I am memorable, unforgettable

Pleasure is safe and begets more pleasure

Love always elevates and is never wrong or cruel

Vulnerability is my birthright and there is no shame in it ever

So you see, I got this

(No thanks to you, btw)

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: assumption

Lost Treasure

All that I held dear

Was washed away

By the tsunami that was you

My heart, my mental health

My easy laugh, my joy

My positive outlook

My belief in goodness

My trust in my own body

My trust in my own soul

The winds have long since died down

My body has healed from the twists and turns she rode

I sit in the quiet aftermath

And wait to see what of me

The tide will wash ashore

Will I recognize my essential parts

Or will I pass them by as detritus

Not knowing their inherent value

Inspired by The Daily Post Daily Word Prompt: tide